I am feeling at an impasse.

I feel like I want to quit my job, some ridiculous things are happening there.

But I am nervous to go down to part time for several reasons

- the loss of that income

- the extra time on my hands so early on in this stage of our new family. So far no baby to take care of so what would I do with that extra time? Other than spend money….

- The lack of paying our debt off in the time we had anticipated

There are so many other reasons too but it defeats me to think about them.

When I was going through all these thoughts yesterday I realized that I try to plan too much, my head hurts! I have no idea what God has planned for us. And all the plans we had in place are now just a wisp in a far distant sky.

It’s amazing how you can plan and plan, ponder and ruminate, challenge and decide things but no matter what we try to fit into our schedule, our lives, our dreams, God just disrupts that completely by giving you another human being to take care of.

It’s quite difficult for me to grasp sometimes. Why, at this stage in my life, in our lives, is God giving us the responsibility of another human being? Can’t He see that we aren’t ready? That we are still figuring out some big things? That we have a timeline so we can get on the mission field and this doesn’t seem like it fits in?

I know He is mysterious, I know His ways are perfect and mine are silly. You can quote scripture to me, and empathize and relate all you want, but it doesn’t make this harsh reality and easier. No offense.

Somedays I just need to be you know? I don’t need anyone to tell me they know how it feels, or it was the same for them, or this is just part of growing up. I just need to sit and pout and whine, I need to be sad and mourn the loss of my idealistic view of our lives…just for a minute. Just give me a minute.

Then I promise I’ll get up. I’ll be a big girl. I bring this kiddo into the world and have a new found joy and love for all things. I look forward to that attitude.

So.

I feel at an impasse. Do I continue with a job that doesn’t make me tick, but pays the bills…like I’ve always done?

Or do I go to part time, or quit completely and focus on this little life going on in me and trust that God is going to have His way?

Or do I just simply trust and go one day at a time?

Just so you know, I know what the right answer is, but it’s much harder to accept that when you have a plan.

We all have these days right?

I’m just tired of having so many of them in a row.

Hmm…

Lots to think about.

Sorry for the bum of a post.

Lovies