And so, I ended writing Day 4 realizing we had much more to process before sharing it with the world. We needed to sit and talk, we needed to dream a bit more, we needed to confess and communicate to each other, as a couple, a unit, before giving you all that information. It’s like we didn’t want to write or say anything because words are hard to take back and we didn’t want to promise anything with our words before we really truly believed it in our marriage, our commitments and our hearts. Now, here I sit, three weeks after our return from Europe and I think I’m finally coming out of the fog of confusion on what just happened and am able to give my words a place for others to read with out feeling like I’m disconnecting with what they will mean.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean we know very much. Haha. Because in our commitment to letting God open and close doors for us, we’ve decided to take a step back in terms of defining things and take a step forward in simply trusting that we have some of it figured out. For instance, we know we are going to shoot for re-applying/going forward with our previous application at the end of this year/beginning of 2014. We know our goal is to be in the March Interview and Orientation that MTW (the organization we would be going with) puts on. We know that I have the opportunity of a dream job and so I’m going to begin to write my job description this week and pray over the back and forth that will happen over the next couple months and be a window into what God is making for us. We know that we are called to live overseas, hopefully within the next two years. We know we both finally feel the call to Chile. I’ve always hesitated, Naph has always known.

We don’t know when (realistically) we would go over seas. We don’t know when this job for me would kick in, where we would be located, if I could do it overseas or if it would be temporary, how much money we have to raise, if we are going to continue living in Chicago or if we are only here for another year. And these are just the things we don’t know in regards to the questions we asked of the Lord for our trip to Europe. We also don’t know when we should think about baby #2 (I have a bit of baby fever these days….like really bad. Ironic, no?) We don’t know if Naph’s job will continue being successful, when we will pay off debt, when I’ll finally take that stupid Corporate Finance class so I can get my degree! (It’s been four years). And for me personally – the things I don’t know could fill pages and pages. It’s quite terrifying really.

There was a point, perhaps I relayed it already in a previous blog, but Naph and I were walking on the beach in Spain. We were not truly appreciating the beauty and blessing in our surroundings because we were in a bit of a battle. There are days when I say I could go anywhere, do anything; that my heart is so big it could bear adopting or fostering hundreds of children who just need love. I could live in one place for a year and move the next and live a nomadic live. But then the sun sets, a new day starts and I am trapped in this cloud of fear. Where will my children go to school? Will they get a good education? Will they learn about God or will we forget? Will we have to learn a whole new language or can we just stay with what we know? Will we rent or own? Will we like it? Will we be the missionaries who cause drama, or will we be on the receiving end? Will we hurt others deeply? Will others hurt us deeply? Will one of our children give us more grief than we can handle? Will all our children?

And as I vocalized this all to my husband, he snickered and said, “so you want to control everything?” And as my mouth formed the easy excuse of, “No, I just…” it hit me. That is exactly true. I just want to control it because then God can work through me in the controlled environment that I’ve approved. Naph suggested that perhaps I talk with some other moms on the mission field and so I did. That night I talked to a couple who have been overseas only two months and they have a 15 month old. I asked her if it was hard doing all this transition with a baby and what they knew and what they didn’t know. She said they never chose Columbia but that was where they were placed and it was perfect. That they realized they trusted the Lord with themselves and then learned it wasn’t actually trust. It was just a term they used because they are adults so they can control their environment and don’t really need to trust the Lord unless something terrible goes on. But then, when they moved to a place they didn’t even know the language of with a new little guy, they actually did have to trust. In so many new and complex ways. Their little guy can’t talk, can’t speak multiple languages, can’t buy food, can’t do anything for himself. He is completely reliant and as a mother, she just has to trust that the Lord has all of them in his hand including their little helpless boy. And that was profound to me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. All this time I’ve been so hypocritical and ignorant. All this time I’ve taken my experience as a missionary kid and assumed that I know what it’s like to be a missionary. When in reality I have NO IDEA AT ALL. As an MK you are brought into the live of ministry but you weren’t called, you weren’t the one raising support saying goodbye to your parents to go do ministry in a foreign country. You’re a tag along. You’re still significant, but this choice to live overseas wasn’t yours. As a missionary you have to feel the calling of the Lord, you and your spouse should agree on this call and you learn that you will make the biggest most painful sacrifices of your live starting with saying goodbye to those you love the most to go share Jesus with those who don’t love you at all.

Wow.

My parents did that. My husband’s parents did that. The hundreds of missionaries who were at this retreat did that. They denied father and mother, took up their cross and followed Him. And I know that sounds super churchy. But think of this. These missionaries, especially those to Europe, have an incredibly hard way of it. Most countries in Europe feel that they have matured beyond the church. That God is a cute idea, or more, a foolish idea that our ancestors believed but Thank goodness we’ve evolved beyond that. You must be a fool to practice something so intangible as faith and beyond just that but faith in a higher Being ordaining all!? Bahhahaha. This is the European mindset towards God. SO these missionaries go and set up their lives among people who will laugh, and ridicule and mock and martyr them. They will go years and years just fostering a single relationship that finally is showing hope. And you know what? Sometimes that person kills themselves, or they move on, or they choose to stop talking to you. And year after year, in a country with no formal churches to go at least worship in once a week to receive some form of comfort, these missionaries do it. They form friendship after friendship, and feel withered and hopeless at times. But God sustains them and so they carry on. During our final Sunday service where all of us joined together for the final hurrah there was an opportunity during communion for families to go and receive prayer from different groups. And it hit me. These people must feel so refreshed being in this environment – where they can worship like they used to back home, where they can all speak in the same language with out having to run a dialogue in their brain before speaking so they don’t make a gramatical error, they know their children are safe, they receiving teaching from someone who wants to pour into THEM instead of vice versa. These people are tired and their cups are slowly emptying and then they come to these retreats and are given some sustenance so they can go back to the country they are serving in and do some more ministry and slowly be depleted again. And I’m not saying this to be depressing, but to be reminded of the seriousness that it means to give your life to the Lord. That when we say “Here am I, send me!” we aren’t being ignorant, or fool hardy but that we know things will be difficult and still we are able to consider it all joy.

Then I thought about what else it takes to be a missionary. For most people it means you shop at thrift stores for the rest of your life, that you don’t get a normal paycheck just for what you do but you have to make reports, visit churches, put your life on display so that others can judge and see if they want to support what you are doing financially. You give up the idea of nice things and manicured appearances. This isn’t something we are unaware of. If you look around our house you’ll see that it looks alright but it’s not cute or thematic in any way. In fact 90% of our home was either given to us or bought at a thrift store or from friends at really really low prices. The things we’ve paid full price for have taken months and months of saving. And this is how life will be for us forever. Sometimes I get depressed by that. I want to have pretty things, I want my house to be artistic and a gallery of whimsy and my personality….all the while incurring more debt. But instead we choose to put our money to pay off student loan debt and live as frugally as we can while also allowing for a few perks here and there. It’s the environment we grew up in but not the one we,deep down in our hearts, ever wanted.

So we are beginning to see how we are taking on more than we can handle, but we also know that that isn’t exactly true. God knows what we can handle and He is patient and gracious with us as we fail daily to recognize this and impose our on limitations on the daily choices presented to us. I’m learning to realize that this level of processing is what we will be doing for the rest of our lives. Hopefully, we will be on the look out for new things on the horizon that God has in store for us and we will, at each step, take a look at the process He is doing and try and recognize up from down, right from wrong, who we are meant to be from who we want to be. And truth be told, isn’t this the journey we are all on in one way or another, whether we are spiritual or not? We are all trying to figure out where we fit best and what we were most meant to do. We obviously are creative beings who were made with the purpose of something unique to us or else we would all look alike as would our environments. Hm.

So I think I’ve finally chewed the life out of these latest nuggets and will updating a little more on the trip this week. I think I needed a break from the story telling to do all the above thinking. Thanks for being patient with me.

In regards to the trip itself, there will be a better/less lengthy thank you letter coming out hopefully by the end of this/next week that will also remind you of the ways you can still donate to our trip. We are still about $1600 shy of what we needed to raise so we need to get that money back to those who fronted it for us. If you’re interested in more details let me know and I’ll make sure you get the letter.

Lovies

How the HELL (sorry mom, but it’s what I say sometimes when I’m staring at a snotty sobbing face and realize you did this with four kids) did you survive?!?!?!?!

I have one, one little ray of sunshine who actually charms the socks off of me more than she makes me mad and still sometimes things get to big for me and I feel like I’m drowning and I think how thankful I am that I only have one right now. I look forward to the slew of children that will make this home wildly disordered but along with that I am daunted by the levels of sacrifice and selflessness that they will cause in me. Is that strange? I just know it’s going to happen and I sort of dread it. I like being ignorantly selfish. Still, I know it is a worthy endeavor and perhaps, on the other end of it all, I’ll have kids like my parents. Not to say we’re all awesome, but in spite of all the things that could have gone wrong, and way the that we see the youths and adults around us, we’re pretty lucky and we’ve turned out pretty well. I hope I can look at my offspring and feel proud, relieved and thankful. I think that is what my mom and my mother-in-law seem like, having been parents for 32 and 28 years respectively.

So from this mom of one year, I say a hearty “Thank You” and proclaim a resounding “Hurrah, yip yip yip!” to the hard working mother of mine who traveled continents, rallied supporters, stayed up late doing projects, prayed with out ceasing and wipe away tears with out judgement. I hope to be just like you as I raise my wee ones.

And to the mommies of adopted children and women who wish they could be mommies but can’t carry their own and to the mommies who’s babies didn’t get to see how beautiful this earth is after all, you are fierce warriors as well. You heart has endured more sorrow than I can know and your love has found new and beautiful ways to express itself that many women will never understand. Many of you struggle silently or only with a few people to carry you along as you hurt and battle the days like today that remind you of how different your life is than other women’s. And though I know I can’t fully relate, I want you to know that you aren’t un-thought of or anonymous. I have shed tears for you and I have longed to embrace you as you let out your sadness completely. I hope you have a group of women who can sorrow with you and who can rejoice with you as you take the next step in your life wherever that may be.

At a goodbye party to a sweet mom who moved away last year, she said a prayer thanking the Lord for all the mommies, the babies who came, the babies who came but didn’t stay long and the babies who were never meant to linger outside the womb. Because no matter what, our lives were changed because of these precious babies and our hearts expanded to proportions never seen before.

Love is a much greater word than that which can be described as a fuzzy feeling and it is something women alone experience to it’s greatest definition.

Happy Mother’s Day. Happy Women’s Day. Happy You Who’s Heart Has Grown Day.

Lovies

It finally all clicked. From this point on, as a team of leaders, we realized this wasn’t the Latin America retreat where the students are used to being a bit more charismatic in their demeanor, and it isn’t Asia Pacific where many of the kids are reserved but happy and excited to wiggle and move around. These students are serious, intelligent, controversial and deep. Very European I’d say. So we decided to stick on the more worshipful side of music and taught them some of our favorites like “Narrow Little Road,” “All the Poor and Powerless,” and “Cast My Cares.” I think one or two of them were actually written by our music leader at church or at least appended but they are such powerful songs and, for me personally, are healing songs that have helped me through some of my darkest hours.

When we lead worship time with some of these songs, and some they knew that were more traditional, the atmosphere completely changed. The students were singing loud, catching on quickly to new songs, and harmonizing easily. It was beautiful. I had to catch my breath a couple times because I was just so moved. These students are passionate, looking for encouragement, needing support and positive words to uplift them as they struggle in their environments. Matching this up with Brooks continued talks through Judges was just a total awesome time for these students that paved the way for some really great conversations.

Considering that Day 4 happened like two weeks ago it’s hard for me to remember more specifics but I do know that my head was spinning and I was beginning to feel the tides change inside me. The fear of going somewhere, or being placed in the US was clouding my mind and I started feeling overwhelmed. Like I had said before, we went there asking specific things from the Lord. I wanted to know where he was calling us and Naph wanted to know when. So after our conversation with someone about being possibly located in the US I felt a little bit disappointed. Beyond that, I felt like I should have this super serious calling to a specific place, so why wasn’t I getting that? And why was I feeling sad about the idea of being in the US? I’d be closer to my family, it’d be easier to fly out around the world, Amelie would probably have the stability I always longed for. But I realized those were things I didn’t really care about. I just wanted to be steeped in a different culture. I want Amelie to grow up internationally – knowing that it will provide her with big challenges and potentially trying memories, I still find it a rich time in my life and I think she would grow in wisdom and stature because of it. I began wondering where our kids would go to school, how much things would cost, what they would have to learn, if we’d have to move every term or would we be located in the same place for years and years? And I felt like these were fair things to ask of the Lord.

On top of all this, Naph’s birthday was two days away. There is another leader who is on staff with the organization who’s birthday is the day before. The whole team was planning a celebration for hers, but despite my contacting people and trying to set something up for Naph, there wasn’t really anything planned for him…and he knew it. He finally said something to me about which, which he never does, and it just tore at my gut. I felt so bad for him and how he’s always so sacrificial and then to not feel like people even realize his birthday is coming up and it’s not as important as someone else who’s turning 30, just killed me. So we kept up our smiley faces but on the inside we both were beginning to feel a bit disillusioned.

Amelie was doing well though she wasn’t getting all the sleep she needed. Still waking up several times a night and, it might have even been this Day #4 night that she wound up sleeping in bed with me and waking us both up every two hours. Not an easy night. Still, her attitude was awesome and she was just as hilarious as usual. I think by this day she also really had us running after her for once. She definitely picked up speed. We hung out at the pool on this day and the Larsen girls (four girls I’ve known for about 8 years!) really took her under their wing and walked around with her. So precious.

So that is pretty much Day #4. The next day was our Day Off excursion into Sevilla.

Day #3

Today has been long and beautiful though not easy. We started off the day doing breakfast with a missionary we met on the way from the airport. He and his family have been serving in Germany for 12 years. We were excited to talk to them for a couple reasons: first, he and his wife are not church planters. They don’t have Mdiv’s in ministry and he isn’t a pastor. Secondly, they are the team leaders for Germany so have a great insight into what teams are looking for, what works on the field, what makes or breaks missionaries, what are common areas of burn out for missionaries and the list goes on.

I came away from that breakfast feeling a bit beat up frankly. But the thing is, I knew that that was what God wanted for us. Jay was super great and super kind in the hard truths he gave us, but how gracious of him to give them to us! To “call us out” per say on our pride in ourselves. We definitely have some heart surgery (sorry for the major Christian Lingo, but you catch my drift) coming our way. I am really understanding now what people talk about when they say that you really have to be a humble person in order to be an effective missionary. And this doesn’t just pertain to doing some form of church/kingdom work overseas but any form of standing up for your faith in any context. You just have be ready for people to constructively take you apart, to call your bluffs, to speak to your vulnerabilities, to catch you when you’re falling and lovingly confront you into the right path….and all these words sound sundry and fluffy but…danger….they are suuuuuuuper uncomfortable. I would prefer to go on living with the prideful (because that’s really what it is) mindset that I have towards how effective I would be on the mission field, than actually hear from seasoned and honest missionaries about how wrong I am.

Something that really struck home with what Jay said was that we need to figure out something that God has made us for that only we can accomplish. And only us as a team are able to effectively do. What am I capable of doing that Naph can encourage and step aside to raise up? And what is Naph capable of doing that I can encourage him in and move aside to let him do that? And how can we make sure that in every single decision we make we are 100% on board with each other and we put each other first so that no one feels left out, or less important, or less valued? Frankly, I just figured we’d figure that out when we got to it. And not to say that Naphtali and I don’t do that, or are on the rocks or anything. But I think that, at least for me, I was broadsided with how absolutely flawless we need to become at communicating and support each other in our own humbling in order to be truly effective. I don’t want to confuse you with thinking one must become a pushover to effectively support the other, but I do believe that we need to come to a place in our marriage where with confidence Naph can know where I stand on something with out having to ask me and vice versa. And I do believe that Naph is the head of our household, despite my incredible knack for leadership/management. (That’s something else Jay talked about, tell ya in just a sec). SO the important thing there is understanding how my husband is the captain of our family while I am still his first mate and a valid official in other important areas of our lives. Hmm…

In regards to the leadership vs management Jay said something sooooo great. He listened patiently as I described my strengths and what I felt like I would be good at doing with ministry. And this has often been describe to me and by me as a gift of leadership. However, and so very correctly, Jay distinguished this as effective management but not necessarily leadership. Which isn’t to say I’m not a leader, but that my specific talents lie in managing projects, organizing and reporting though not so much the other areas that set a good and effective leader in a step above a good manager. I’m still chewing on this one – seeing if perhaps my brain at 7:30am didn’t convey my own gifts accurately or if my pride yet again took a healthy hit and I’m having to reassess my gifts to make sure they are defined appropriately.  This is especially important because areas that I may work in, and that have been presented to me would require me to really know this about myself so that I accurately fill the job description that I’m being asked to devise.

Soooooo there’s that.

We went from that heavy and challenging beautiful breakfast to our first session with the students. From the first minute we definitely began seeing the alliances form, the friendships kindled or dissolved and new groups formed. We spent a whole hour playing games with the students just ice breaking and hopefully breaking down some walls of judgement. I had to slip out with Amelie during the free time in order to get her into a good nap since she still didn’t sleep very well last night. But apparently some obvious forms of clicks formed during the free time that has the leadership team…aware…I guess would be a good word? We then had our evening session where Brooks, one of the leaders and a GYFM staffer who’s moving to Japan in 19 days with his wife Riva, spoke on the being camouflage or a billboard for our faith. Basically, do we blend in with those around us, or do we stand out and gather attention because we are allowing the Lord to shine through us. This was based on Judges 1. So great, and I’m excited to see how this topic evolves over the next four days. Naph and I led in some music and the students played some riotous game that I didn’t see since I was trying to put Ahms to bed.

After dinner we offered up a chance for the students from all the groups to come watch Despicable Me though it wound up being more of the tweens and younger kids. The unfortunate thing about that was that most of our students were wandering around on their own, which is fine because we aren’t their babysitters and their parents gave them the go ahead, but we were hoping for some casual bonding between the clicks. Can I just tell you how much my heart is breaking for some of these girls.

Ugh. I went out in search for the more “cool” kid group who seem to be less interested in our activities and interaction than those of the children’s ministry (16 year old boy) leaders. Obviously, it’s understandable. But despite this disconnect these “cool” kids happened to leave some other “not so cool” girls out of the group. And the thing is I can totally relate. I see these girls and think that they are typical missionary looking kids. But man, do I deserve a slap in the face or what! While talking to them and asking what they were up to I was told “or we’re just walking around picking up the people that the “other” group doesn’t want to hang out with. We apparently aren’t good enough for them because we’re sort of different so we find people who are different and hang out with them.” Punch. To. The. Gut. These girls are super pretty, incredibly talented and hilarious. They are a tad socially different but they are people too and deserve love and acceptance. OH, High School…you are so mean! Can I just tell you these girls put on a skit for me, recited monologues, sang songs and told me about books they are writing.  I don’t know about you, but that is pretty brave! I really can understand why the cool kids find it hard to blend in and bond with girls like this but the truth is, if you asked anyone of them to get up and recite a monologue that includes well performed fake crying, they’d probably slouch back in their chair, strike a pose and say “no way, that’s for losers.” But are you kidding me?! That is so brave to put yourself out there like that and be brave and love others. Ugh. I hate to think of what I was like to people in High School. I don’t remember specifically making fun of others but I don’t specifically making others feel important and brave and pretty. Too selfish I guess. So I just burn with passion for these girls to know true friendship and to find adulthood much more accepting and forgiving than their experience with other missionary kids who are not so different from normal kids that judge others easily.

Goodness.

Hm. Lots to think about. In all the processing I have not made a fair amount of time to just hang out with the Lord so I’m actually going to finish writing this and go do that before my eye lids seal shut. Thank you for praying and allowing this to be a safe place for me to share our journey.

Lovies

We were given a couple job descriptions for certain parts of the organization we are here serving with (GYFM) that would really fit us as a couple and through our gifts. They are super exciting and if we could start tomorrow, I think we would. The reason that we feel like we need to break our ideas, however, is that one of the job descriptions is a bit more US based and the other and both need to be located in a globally central area so that traveling to all corners of the earth are easily possible. (Like it took two flights for us to get to Spain from Chicago, but would have been like 3 to 4 flights if we lived in St. Louis or somewhere else without a good international airport.)

The truth is that Naph and I have always said we don’t want to live in the States. Ironically we’ve been here 9 years. And in looking back over the past 9 years there has been a lot of transition. We went to college, we got married, we moved to Chicago and our lives changed dramatically with having Amelie and Naph pulling away from music and into a web design career. At this point, we still feel as though we are in a transition state. We don’t know if we are meant to fully commit to American careers that include is really setting down roots in the States; building a house, starting college funds, looking at me going back to work, Naph really committing to growing with his career and pursuing higher levels in that arena. We don’t know if we should look at missions 100% either though it has always been our passion and expectation; the moving around, having our children overseas, possibly rooting ourselves but assuming a state of eternal transition etc.

So, to that end we definitely need a perspective change, we need the Lord to clearly change our hearts if we are to stay in the US so that we don’t grow bitter and can feel comfortable knowing that is what God has called us to.

Anyway, that all happened during our free time block. Sweet Amelie fell asleep in Naph’s arms while we were at the beach talking about this whole opportunity. So cute in her little tutu bathing suit and sun hat. No pictures for that but a nice one in my memory.

At night we had our big introduction to the entire team and then did an open house where all the teens could come meet us, and recap with each other and just be silly. It was great to meet these students and begin to forge the friendships that we are looking forward to seeing evolve this week. There seems to be a smaller group then we anticipated but I think some people are coming today still.

Some ways you can be praying for us are with Amelie’s sleep schedule. The first two nights she was up at least three times and then last night up wide awake at 1:0 until around 2:30 . SO if you could just pray that that sorts itself out and she comes back on track, it would be very much appreciative.

Also, Naph and I are starting to see the seriousness and the opportunities we really need to investigate and question so help us as we try to practice humility and patience towards each other and with each other’s process to get to the real deep calling God has for us.

Lovies

This trip is really different for us in several ways that have already been equal parts intimidating, exhausting and exciting. First, it’s our first time traveling internationally with a baby. I have been wondering how she would hold up on the flight so I planned us for an overnight flight here. The idea was that it wouldn’t mess with her schedule too much so she’d sleep nice and quietly the whole flight. We were told they did actually have seats with a bassinet though I had been told otherwise when I called so we were really excited to not even have to have her on our laps for eight hours. But alas, when overwhelmed and new parents hear this they think all about the sleep and not about the other children that may be on the flight who also need a bassinet. So we were seated next to two other families, one with a one year old and one with a six month old. So instead of 8 hours of sleep per child…..we all experienced about 6 hours of sleep cumulatively. Harrumph. Once one little one would fall asleep the others would scream or something would drop or someone would cough and back up and super unhappy they would be. All. Night. Long.

Amelie finally fell asleep in the carrier while we were exiting the plane in Munich for our very short lay over and even slept for a good bit on the plane but just when I was about to finally catch a few z’s she woke up again. In an effort for both parents to not be completely exhausted with a perky child, Naph slept also and I tried to keep myself awake by playing with and entertaining my semi-rested child. I have to say though, that although Amelie didn’t get a normal night of sleep, and last night’s session was not as smooth as it could have been, she has been incredible. She barely cried on any of the planes and only when she was uncomfortable or hungry and only for a very short period. She was smiling at everybody, very flexible and didn’t require any wiggle time on the planes. I was so very thankful!

We’ve been here at the location for about 24 hours now and within that time she’s made friends with everyone, walked all over the place and fallen for a 15 month old little boy on our leadership team. She’s not quite getting the gist of sharing….but she’ll get there I”m sure. My worries about people being receptive of her, patient with her and willing to hold her were quickly thwarted….from the second we stepped off the transfer bus. I’ve held her for maybe a cumulative hour in that time! She will be a fantastic missionary kid it seems Which leads me to the other thing that has been different about this trip already.

As we elude to in our support letter linked above, this trip holds a little extra weight for Naphtali and I. We have asked the Lord to confirm for us when and where we feel called to. We applied to be missionaries with MTW in 2012 right after Amelie was born and have planned on this since before we were even married. But the timing has always been off. We applied out of haste and good intentions but the Lord quickly showed us that we were being a bit over zealous and so instead we took a step back and realized we’ve needed some “heart surgery” to use some Christian lingo. We are very grateful He didn’t send us over a year ago! We would be absolute disasters!

This past week, leading up to this trip, we really felt thwarted by Satan. I’ve always known that when you are leading an active live for Christ, you are generally able to sense how Satan attacks you. When you live a mediocre spiritual life you don’t really see the disparity that he brings but when you know that you have a purpose, when you are constantly seeking the Lord, Satan really tries to take your focus away from higher things. So there was a lot of worrying and unexpected mini-crisis this past week. Knowing that we are more than conquerors over Christ was a very helpful comfort, despite the continued emotions we experienced. If I didn’t check in daily with the Lord and ask for patience, it would have been pretty horrid. But I just knew, I just knew I needed to spend extra time in prayer, spend extra time in the word, talk out loud about God’s mercies and grace, about His great plan for our lives, about the great work of His people in Europe that we were going to hopefully encourage and foster while here.

So with all of that, we have asked for the Lord to speak to us through current missionaries and MTW staffers who are here to help validate our calling and point us in some direction. Naphtali feels the need to be confirmed in the timing. When should we finish our application and move forward with this? When should we try and be over seas by? How long will support raising take so he can decide if pursuing his career in web design is really what he should be doing or if he should be actively pursuing more freelance work to accommodate him to a new work schedule.

I am asking for a where. I have always been one to believe that if God gives Naph a clear location, than I will go, but that I would have peace with it. But lately I’ve been feeling that I just need confirmation regarding that so I can really wrap my head around it. Perhaps start to learn the language if it’s different, to study the culture, to learn about the pediatricians and hospitals and school systems. I never cared as much for the planning side of things as I have since Amelie arrived.

Besides all this we are asking that the Lord give us peace about not getting the exact answers we’re asking for. If God chooses to hide his plan a bit longer, or decides to tell us that we need to ixnay this vision we’re having, that we would be ok with that.

Up to this moment, I know that we have already shared with several missionaries and staffers a snapshot of all of this and they have showed intense interest in talking to us further about it which is so great!!!!! Our hope for how we would serve is completely unorthodox and so we are nervous that missionaries and MTW at large may find it more of a “want” ministry rather than a “need” ministry.

Our vision is to set up a media team that would travel to, or be specifically assigned to teams across the globe and basically market what they are doing. We would create websites, brochures, business cards, newsletters, do family photo shoots, photo journal their ministry and video them in action so they have some professional tools to give to their supporters and to help them raise more support. The American community of believers generally (and I use that very  loosely) looks at ministry in the form of numbers; numbers of people saved, number of years served, number of people in the family, number of times they’ve visited us specifically. Not all churches are this way, an financial and task accountability is important but sometimes the reviews required of missionaries are much more in depth than a review you would ever receive at your normal job. This can be really intimidating for missionaries who may not be gifted in any form of analysis, design, web, creative anything. So they can stress out getting ready to come back to the states to let their supporters know how their doing, or how to ask for more funds or raise awareness about a specific project they are working on. So we would come in and just do all that work for them so they can do the actual ministry they are called to do. An easy example is when an accounting firm wants to re brand themselves, or just update their “look” they don’t do it in house with a bunch of accountants and try and learn all these things from scratch and come up with something that may actually not be relevant to their target market. So they hire a specific media group (like where Naph currently works) who will come in and do all of that for you and pick your brain about what you expect and then do all that work for you so you don’t have to worry about trying your hand at something that you are just not good at.

Anyway, by the end of full day #1 I already feel the Spirit moving, I already know that we will receive some form of answers, I already know that I love this group of people so very dearly and I love what we are doing so completely. I feel full, I feel at 100% when I am in this team, which never happens. I usually feel about 50-70% complete where I’m at. I know that sounds strange but that is a whole other topic perhaps I’ll delve into some day. It comes with the growing up multi-culturally. I am hoping to have time to Journal how the Lord is working through out this week as I’ll be spending time close to the room with Amelie’s naps. Perhaps this will be something so great and refreshing to look back on in several years to see how the Lord was working even now when I know so little of where things will be in 20 years.

Thanks for taking this journey with me

Lovies

With my sweetie turning one much has been going on in my heart lately. Well, really since becoming a mom, I’m just a sob house all the time! If you tell me a story about something beautiful or sorrowful that has happened in your life, or even someone else’s life who I don’t know, I’ll probably cry. The Lord has been really making it aware to me how little CONTROL I have over pretty much everything.

For instance, I was in a bible study a few months ago. We were discussing fear and worry and what that looks like for each of us. This group is mostly single 20 something women. There are a few married young women but we’re all in the 23-29 age group. I’m the only Momma. SO two girls were sharing their very legitimate fears dealing with significance, desirability, intellectualism etc. And then came my turn. My biggest fear, is this. That my daughter will die in my arms or at my hand. I realize this is huge, but in sharing this with my Mom’s group I found I wasn’t alone. Perhaps my anxiety and fear over this is greater than other’s but it’s not uncommon. However when I shared with the girls this fear, and the vivid incidents I can conjure up they were startled.

The truth is, I think about these things ALL THE TIME. I think about a car that could hit us because they ran a red light, or if I don’t hold on to her tight enough at the pool she could drown, or if I give her a peanut and she swells up and dies right on my kitchen floor, and I could go on and on. I can imagine and vividly picture these things all through out my day. There are times when it has been literally paralyzing. Just typing this out right now my heart is fluttering faster and I feel the need to go wake her up from her nap just to make sure she’s alright.

But my daughter is healthy, and growing and strong and happy. She has never showed any indication of sickness, she was a 9/9 on the apgar when she was born, she is tiny but strong and full of life. So why should I worry? Why should I fear? Perhaps its because I’ve never loved anyone so much every before in my life as much as I love Amelie. I will be distraught when my parents leave this earth, I fear that I will crumple up if I loose Naph suddenly or just in general, but I fear that I wouldn’t be able to breath ever again if I lost Amelie. She has completely raptured me with her presence. I am daily amazed at how she grows and develops and how BLESSED I am that I get to watch that happen right in front of my eyes.

All this fear and anxiety has turned a bit for me though. As I’ve read and heard and agree with, Amelie is on loan to Naph and  me. She is a gift from God. He knows her name, her story, her purpose. If it’s to impact for a short time or for a long time I’ll never know but I must, it is my responsibility and charge, to raise her in His image. To teach her freedom in Christ, the power of His grace and love and the desire of His heart for ALL to know Him and love Him. She has made me more bold in how I communicated about and live out my faith in Christ Jesus.  I love taking her out in our neighborhood because she is just doted on by the locals. We live in a neighborhood called Roger’s Park but it is also perfectly dubbed Little India. We are three doors in from Devon Ave which is where all the Pakistani, Indian and Israeli shops are. In fact it’s the second most diverse zip code in the nation. I love it. I absolutely love it. I love walking out my door and being in the minority. I am thankful God put is in this neighborhood and that my daughter will spend her first years in the US among this beautiful and deep culture. I love walking out and having the opportunity to talk to women who are covered head to toe in black cloth because of my beautiful little girl. If I was by myself I’d be much more shy of this, but Amelie’s non judgmental smile breaks open barriers in every area of my life.

I think about this often. How my little one year old has already facilitated so much in my life. When I hear about people like the Kelley’s in Kenya who found out yesterday that their little baby girl, younger than Amelie I think, has a rare form of brain cancer and only has a 30% chance of survival, or about Pastor Saeed, an American pastor serving in Iran who was just sentenced to 8 years in a terrible prison in Iran for preaching and his beautiful wife and mother of three try to reconcile with possibly never seeing her husband again, I weep. I literally just can’t breath for them. Add to that the millions of babies killed legally in this country and the heartlessness of the doctor’s performing these abortions, the sorrow that these women must be going through in making this decision, I feel so weighed down.

I was telling a friend of mine that if I just sit and think about children, in general, like babies in Africa, homeless babies, neglected babies, aborted babies, sick babies, new babies, happy babies, it’s just too heavy for me. My heart has been ripped out of me and put back in mush ever since Amelie came around. My friend laughed a little as she remembered the mother of the kids she nannied came home one day in tears. My friend asked her what was wrong and she said she was just thinking about “the children of the world.”

Mother hood changes us does it not? These precious lives we have, planned or unplanned change us completely. Some of these babies came at such cost. Sometimes babies came before them that didn’t make it all the way, sometimes they came but didn’t stay long, sometimes they come to stay and God has given them to us through a nine month stay in our bellies so close to our hearts, eating up who we used to be and delivering a whole new us along with their birth. What a miracle. I witnessed many moms become advocates for different things with the new life that has come from them. The amount of compassion they have, the tolerance or intolerance for things grows, their opinions and theologies become much more vocal. I am so thankful for this form of transformation.

And amidst all of this I am learning to reconcile it with God’s goodness and love. He does want good things for us. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

As Aaron Kelley wrote in a blog just before finding out their sweet daughter was much worse than they could have imagined, I don’t understand this part where we give these requests with Thanksgiving. How, when our hearts are so heavy, and we are trying to understand justice and why bad things happen, are we supposed to bring them before the Lord without anxiety, without worry?

A truth I’ve been leaning on in regards to this heavy question is related through a sermon I heard while visiting my in-laws in Florida at Christmas. The pastor, who is a student at the same seminary as my MIL there in Orlando said that he was in a class with this awesome theologian and teacher. This teacher was always great at answering questions, he is quick witted, well established in the Word. But someone asked him a question he was stumped on. He sat down on the stage, and then giggled to himself. He looked up at the student and said, “You know, I don’t know. But I know God is good and He loves me.” I’ve tried to adopt that truth. I don’t know why babies die, why innocent people are put in jail, why bad things happen and I don’t even know how that fits into God’s goodness. But I know that it does. And I know that He is Good and He DOES love me. And no matter what happens, He will be glorified. Perhaps this is too simplistic and faith driven, not knowledgeable enough. Not sound enough. It’s too shaky a thing to stand on, it’s ignorant you might say. I’m ok with that. Believe me, I’ve seen terrors of this world pretty vividly, but I am more convinced of His goodness by this. And I can’t quite explain it but I do know this. The worst thing God could ever do for us is give us the desires of our hearts. So I am clinging to the Cross. Learning to set my anxiety aside and exchange it for trust and asking him to continue to break my heart for what breaks His.

What do you think about this? Do you feel that you’ve become more mushy as you grow or harder? What would living in trust look like for you? What would relinquishing control and accepting uncertainty look like in your life?

hm. Something to think about.

Lovies.

When I last wrote, life was feeling a bit dismal and overwhelming. I’m amazed at how gracious God is, how He allows for things to happen that don’t seem fair at the time but all make sense in retrospect. This has been my course for quite a while now. Perhaps it’s really how I should be seeing life, but it’s a discipline I think I’m just learning now. Trusting God to do what He knows is best for me is very hard. It’s been interesting to navigate this concept while talking deeply with friends who are really, legitimately struggling with the concept of God. But He has made himself real and evident to me and I can only pray that He does the same for those who seek Him. Since December, when things were very low, things have slowly, and beautifully evolved in to gracious living. I feel that there are so many rabbit trails to our story that it’s hard to know where to begin.

First, my husband quit his job. I want to respect the work that he did there and the company, but it has been a very hard 8 months for my husband and I. There were many months where paychecks weren’t distributed on time, where vacation time was promised but never given, and sundry other things that would only prolong our healing. But at the end of it, we just weren’t making ends meet. We’d tapped in to our savings too much and, after two paychecks in a row not arriving when expected, we were at out wits end – which is where you found me in December’s post. As a wife, seeing a husband treated unfairly is infuriating. Seeing him work hard, and then come home and work hard some more and never receive a single word of “well done, this looks perfect,” or “you’re an expert at what you do” or any vote of confidence whatsoever from anyone other than me has been frustrating to say the least. Naph has been working 15 hour days for the past eight months at least. He works 8 hours away, comes home, chills for an hour or so (sometimes) and then goes back to work doing his freelance for another 5-6 hours a night. It was getting so frustrating seeing him work so hard and so diligently but constantly be questioned and manipulated. SO finally, when things were at their worst and his boss was lacking in the encouragement category BIG TIME, we agreed that it’d be better for Naph to not even have a job than continue to be bullied and treated unfairly. The hardest thing we’ve struggled with is being a light in a dark place doesn’t mean that you need to get run over and disrespected all the time, but we simply couldn’t afford for him to quit. Still, things got way out of control very quickly and Naph put in his two weeks. He had recently had a couple interviews but hadn’t heard back from either of them. We didn’t really have much lined up but felt like perhaps not having a job for a bit would free him up to finish up his current freelance projects and then diligently seek out a new job, rather than trying to apply in little snippets of time here and there between all the other things on his plate.

But God is good, and while we were stewing in our pots and waiting and trying to trust and be patient, he was offered a job! Three days before his last day! He was actually offered two jobs, both the jobs he’d interviewed came back a few days later than expected and offered him positions. He chose a job that had a little less responsibility at the onset and had a more small business feel though they’ve recently expanded quite a bit. They offer benefits and take out taxes which are two things that haven’t happened for us in this past year. It’s amazing the sense of relief that came along with that offer. And beyond that, how gracious the Lord is with us. We were expecting a bit of an increase in pay for him from his previous job but not anything close to what he was offered. God takes care of us so well!

So, it seems that 2013 will be a year of trusting and diligent work. We’ve committed to really seriously doing the Financial Peace University classes which we started **cough** two years ago**cough**. We only got to lesson two. We did lesson three last week and it all started falling into place. Since we’ll be making quite a bit more, we feel like we need to establish some positive habits and disciplines instead of living every month based on what we need to survive and what we will just not pay off. We hope to, and can see our selves feasibly being, debt free by the end of 2014. That is pretty exciting considering we have loads of student debt, car payments and two credit cards to annihilate.

The other thing this job has brought with us is some definition. We’ve been in a position of limbo for quite a while. We’d applied to be missionaries back in May of 2012 and then by September felt that our hearts were not in the right place to begin service 100%. We still have had somethings to deal with in our relationship to God. Now seeing what this year has included, it’s been amazing to see how our willingness to take a step back from our own desires has allowed Christ to work in us and in our relationship of faith and trust with him. I think I’d be a nervous wreck if I hadn’t learned to give up so much of my worry and allow for God to provide for us in miraculous ways, and I know for a fact there were several of those moments for us.

We feel that with a solid job for Naph, God is calling us to set down roots here in Chicago and with our church, Ethos. This seems like an obvious thing, but you have to understand that for two missionary kids, anxious to get overseas where we feel at home, putting down roots in the USA was never something we ever wanted to do. Though we are thankful for the liberties this country has allowed us, we are constantly befuddled by it’s incredible blindness to the world around them, even within it’s own city walls. We meet people all the time who finally have traveled and seen a bit of the world and begin to feel the jadded-ness and sorrow that is imminent, but that is just not visible in the USA. Satan attacks much more underneath the skin here: in relationships, communication, materialism, self entitlement. But in most other countries the desperation of the world is so vivid and obvious that it’s much easier to see the need for Christ. So the idea of staying in this culture with people we have a bit of a difficulty actually understanding, has been hard for us (this is a whole other post in its own right). But now, as we grow in community with our church that challenges much of how we live our lives, we feel excited to have a little stability. To know this will be our home base and these will be our people is something I’ve always wanted and dreamed for, just never thought would come to fruition on this continent. God is doing lots in our hearts, our perception of people, and our ignorance towards our own American culture.

Anyway, our support letter will be coming out hopefully by the end of this week and we are waiting with anticipation to see what God does with us while we are overseas and learning to trust each moment this year.

Ok, sorry to cut this short, but many things on the plate today and want to get this out

Lovies

By Wednesday of last week I was so stressed out that I couldn’t fall asleep. I finally got to bed around 2:30 am….to be woken up only a couple hours later by my sweet babykins. I finally had a flip out moment with my husband. There are so many different factors that really aren’t blog appropriate right now but we talked through them all. And the hardest part of being the one in charge of the finances and seeing where our debt is increasing or decreasing and when and how late things are in getting paid is that the stress is on you all the time. I don’t like sharing these stresses with Naph because he’s already super tired from work and then getting home and having a few projects around here he’s really working hard at. Typical marriage problem, I know. One wants to save the other from stress and vice versa so then you don’t talk. Which means we wind up having BIG talks later on that usually involve tears. And I have really, seriously been weary and heavy laden. My back, shoulders, neck and head are all tight. My brain is going in circles and I’m not sleeping through the night whether from my own thoughts or a teething baby. I’m just exhausted.

When I was on Facebook earlier I saw this quote from an old friend:

The point is this:
When we came to belief, we came into a family. It is a family so connected that the Bible says the only thing to which it can be compared is the human body. Within that body, my tears ought to create the taste of salt in your mouth. When my heart is broken, you will bleed. When you are afraid, my hand will shake. When I’m lonely, you will feel the loss. When you are in trouble, there will be perspiration on my upper lip. We really are one in a supernatural and very real way.
-Steve Brown

So I shared the details with the Mom’s group I’m in and some other people, I impulsively posted on Facebook my stress which was totally inappropriate…but I was angry. And you know. God showed up. He always does, but this was so big and SO so so humbling. He really did make this body and community of his diverse, beautifully and emotionally equip to support each other.

You know Wednesday, when I was up until 2:30am, I had not started my day off in the Word. I’ve been pretty diligent about being in the Bible daily, and I read it to my daughter at night before bed. But I was just angry and frustrated and felt like my prayers weren’t strong enough, or right enough or righteous enough so I just didn’t do it. And all through out the day, of being stressed and angry, I knew I needed to just crack it up. So when I got out of bed after failed attempts of sleep, I dilly dallied – paid a bill with money we don’t have, got angry about that, cleaned a bit, got tired of that. And finally sat on my couch, flicked on the fire and read the Bible. First I read a bit from the book, A Bethlehem Christmas by Charles Swindoll. It’s a bit fictitious revolving the lives of Mary, Joseph and Jesus but it was so so so great. Just reading through the thoughts and feelings of a teenager being told she was going to have a baby, the environment she was in, the greatness of God’s plan. I was overwhelmed. I dove into Luke 2 and finally felt my eyes get heavy.

A friend stopped by to pray for me, another prayed for me over the phone, some people gave to us very generously to help carry us through the week. I’ve been in tears every day this week. Half from stress, exhaustion, anger. And the other half from being absolutely, completely overwhelmed by this amazing community we’ve been placed in.

Matt 11:28 is real. “Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.”

How true this is.

Two days before our stuff happened a Photographer friend found out that her house flooded while she was out. Flooded for over 5 hours. From the sewer. All their Christmas presents were ruined, all pretty new things destroyed. And beyond that her most prized possession, a wedding scrapbook, was destroyed. Their house needs to be completely redone. And at Christmas.

Thursday I read a blog she had written the night before about the experience. And she ended it with this:

So we’re sitting there for just a moment before we shut lights off and packed our bags to sleep at my parents (the water was shut off) and Chris said, “It could be way worse.”

“I know,” I said. “It could have flooded the whole house or there could have been a fire or we could be starving in another country right now. I KNOW. It could be worse. It could always be worse!”

And he said, “No, I mean here. Right here. Between us. We could not love each other as much as we do and be getting divorced. Our kids could be sick. I mean just here, it could be worse. But I love you and that’s really all that matters. The rest is just money.”

It was awesome. He’s pretty freaking awesome.

And I thought: that is so true. It could be way worse for us. Amelie could be sick, Naph could be completely unemployed, we could not live in the beautiful apartment that God gave us, I could be working full time at a job I loathed but we’re not. We’re ok because of the Joy and the Hope and the Love that is in our lives. We are taken care of. And we shouldn’t expect to not undergo hard times. The book of James talks all about the trials we WILL face. Not that might happen, but when they happen, how to handle them.

By Friday things were looking a little more hopeful. We continued to be surprised by God’s provision. Then the shooting in CT happened. And all I could think was, “Come Lord now. Please Come!” Why, why do these terrible things happen? These mommies and daddies are weeping for lost little ones and big ones today. These acts of terror open a world of terror that is going on with the little babies of the world. And I won’t list all the terrible, awful things because you know you can name them if you actually take a second to think about them. I was reminded about how good I have it. Even when I can’t make my bills and we aren’t sure when the next paycheck will come in, we still have it pretty good.

Saturday I was relieved to get away for a bit. Naph was going to spend the day with Ahms so I could catch up on some photoshoot’s that need doing (still do actually.) I went to my Weight Watcher’s meeting (up .6  :-(. ) And then headed over to a cute coffee shop to hunker down for a few hours and get some real work done.

Then a friend texted me for something. I knew she sounded off. Finally she called me, tears and weeping in full force. She was going through a tragedy. I quickly packed my things, made sure she was ok to have me off the phone, called another good friend to go with me to take care of our friend. For the next five hours we just were with this friend. We cried, we talked, we reasoned, we prayed.

I came home thinking “how can I host a dinner tonight when all I want to do is crawl in bed until Jesus returns? Why do these tragedies befall people? And why right before Christmas? Why doesn’t Satan play fair?”

I can’t explain away the evils of this world other than that I know, I know for a fact, that the awfulness that happens here makes Him weep up there. And beyond that moves Him deeply. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit that dwells in us to help us move to action for others. To fight for others, to be brave for others when they are weary and heavy laden. I am so thankful that people have prayed on my behalf, they’ve lifted Naph and I up when we feel at our lowest. We don’t have to be strong alone and that is just amazing.

I have no answers as to how to cope with the evils of this world other than simply being reminded that all will be made new. There is a promise that will be fulfilled. There will be justice, that those who are evil will suffer and those are in need of rescuing will be rescued. There is no bandaid for this world, no cure-all other than Jesus. And God won’t ever be able to fully reveal his amazing glory like he did in the Old Testament until things get much worse. But we can be guaranteed either during my life time or beyond that, that He WILL come back, He will restore this earth and all will be as it should.

So I am planning on believing in Hope this Christmas. Holding my baby and my husband so very close during this season of remembrance. Thanking God that he sent His Son, his one and only to us. To die for us, to sacrifice himself for us. And I’ll remember Mary, as she was given the huge blessing of mothering this holy Saviour, but also in the suffering she must have gone through in seeing how her Son was treated, his perfect skin torn, the skin she had kissed so often. I’ll never ever ever comprehend the level of grace and trust Mary and Joseph must have had but I am thankful for their obedience.

Merry Christmas friends. Remember the serious and beautiful Reason for the season.

Lovies

This was BIG. This was  HUGE deal. This is something that I still think about today and realize how lucky I am to have gotten this fellow.

So this was it. We were officially together.

Now we just had to hide it from everyone.

Easier said than done.

If you’ll remember from Part 1, Naph and I had signed a covenant saying that we agreed to not inter-dorm date. So we couldn’t very well tell people that we were together. We also didn’t want to make it a bigger deal than it really was. What if it didn’t work out? What if we were kidding ourselves? How we would actually do this long distance thing- because we weren’t sure where we would be going after graduation, much less what college we’d end up in. SO we made out lots….it’s true… and talked and discussed and defined lots and lots about our futures. Finally, after about a month, we decided we were serious enough with each other to start telling people. And by people I mean our parents and dorm parents. So we told our parents, and then the hard part of actually telling Uncle Russell and Aunt Anna. Gosh…we were so nervous.

I remember vividly walking up to Aunt Anna in the kitchen while she was making something, perhaps a pie. I told her we needed to talk, I told her that Naph and I liked each other and had started a relationship even though we knew it was against the rules. I started to give her all the godly reasons why we were together and why it was ok and why our breaking the rules wasn’t a big deal.

You know what happened next?

Uncle Russell looks at Aunt Anna and says, ” You owe me twenty bucks!”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

They had a bet on us the whole time! Hilarious.

Come to find out they had figured as much, we weren’t as secretive as we thought. And they really didn’t care. Our dorm, along with the supporting mission agency was shutting down and leaving the country after that year. There jobs were only last a couple more months anyways so what was it to them? We just had to keep it hush hush when the board of directors was around but once our parents knew there wasn’t much else to be done.

But here’s the thing. Graduation was coming up. Which means parents were coming into town. Well, his parents. Mine weren’t going to be able to make it because of all the money they had spent sending me there and because they were building a new house.

Our parents were less than thrilled that we were together, especially so soon after we had both been dating other people. But we made our cases to them and I think they just figured they’d share their two cents but that graduation would separate us and it would all just be a fling. So his parents arrived a few weeks before graduation and I was scared stupid. First of all, I had never really known any Presbyterians (as far as I knew) and Naph had been sneaking books on reformed theology and infant baptism into my room somehow. I was worried that they would quiz me on all the theology I knew and determine whether I was a good fit or not.

They arrived one evening and came straight to the dorm. Naph and I walked down the stairs together to meet them and introductions were made. I honestly don’t remember what all went on but I do remember after giving them a tour and deciding that it was time for them to hit the hay, his dad called me, “Princesa.” I blushed, Naph looked excitedly confused and off they went. He later told me his dad had never called anyone that before and that I was a real hit. They were really impressed by me and found me as a perfect fit for Naph.

The day after they arrived…I think… Uncle Russell kept saying that he had to go get someone from the airport. A bit of time went by and then he said, ” Alyssa, I’m going to pick a woman up from the airport. She’s a single lady and is a bit intimidated about being picked up by a man so would you mind coming along with me?” I remember that something else was going on that night that I wasn’t invited to and I was a bit bummed out. It had been a rough semester with my other friends. So I said “sure” with out thinking twice. Naph said he’d join and Russell didn’t see a problem with that.

We arrived at the airport and I was quickly able to spot some familiar faces in the crowd. It was strange, why would all these people from the church parents worked with be here at the airport? I said hello to them, asked them why they were there (and secretly getting my hopes up it was because my parents were surprising me) but they quickly proved me wrong and said they were meeting Alfredo, a friend of ours who had been in the States for a spell and wanted some company to take him home.

How gullible I was, how gullible.