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Wednesday, June 6th, 2012
I got a real laugh today. Not just a smile like I’ve been receiving from my little one lately.
It was amazing. I never knew I’d be that excited to hear a sound, or see an emotion. And all I could think was, “This is why I am at home. This is why I quit my job.” And I have such a contentment and peace about that.
A dear friend of mine called me after she saw that video and we were chit chatting about that last statement. I realize that for many moms it works to have a job and be a new mom at the same time. It’s not easy. The 12+ mom’s in the mom’s group I attend would definitely attest to that. Oh the tears. But everyone has sacrifices to make and the need to be employed is a reality for many many new moms. But then one of them made a point today that the amount of stress and work she was going to have to do at her job didn’t parallel with how much compensation she was willing to take to be away from her kids much less to do work that wasn’t meaningful. I so agree. On top of that, my friend and I were musing on the type of person I am.
I find that with each passing day I love my sweet Amelie more and more. I also know that I care very much about pleasing people-and if that doesn’t work out- then at least doing right by those around me (at what they think is right). So off to a management position I would go working my tail end off and feeling the obligation to my employees was equal to my obligation to my daughter. I have always been a person who can split emotions easily. I’ve often told Naph that if he died, I’d be heartbroken and then move on quickly. Not because I don’t love him, but because of some reason it’s incredibly easy for me to turn off emotions and just truck through.
So I see how going to a full time job that would be incredibly physically and emotionally draining, I would not have enough fuel stored up to be incredibly physical and emotional with my own flesh and blood. And that was a compromise I am not willing to take. I am forcing myself, every. single. day. to capture it. To seize it. To remind myself that this current moment is real, tangible and important. I don’t ever want my daughter to feel me choosing between her and a job. Especially if that job is something that is simply used to pay the bills, not pay it forward. Perhaps I’d have a much easier time of this decision if it was between some moral cause, or advocacy that I was involved in rather than simply serving coffee, or being a great sales person or covering an evening shift.
Either way, I was reminded today, through the sound of my daughter’s first laugh, of what God has called me to do and who He has called me to be. And it all revolves around being a good wife to my husband and a solid Momma to my children. A full time, outside of the home all day job, doesn’t fit into that picture.
Still the Lord knows that He created a workaholic and has provided me with an adventurous and fulfilling hobby in photography. It’s something I’ve always loved and have wanted to pursue as a career for the past several years. And now I can do that, and be a “present” mother at the same time. I can open up or close dates, I can travel or stay close, I can do long wedding sessions or 60 minute newborn sessions. And I can love what I’m doing while making a memorable impact on people’s lives. Plus it’s something that is super useful on the mission field and I think that is truly what God is honing me for.
In the end, I will never be the Proverbs 31 woman, doing so much, being looked on with such reverie. I remember hearing Beth Moore speak on this topic and said “When does she ever have sex?!” Haha! I know. Scandalous! But seriously. She is doing doing doing, and I love it and I love how she is spoken of so highly and I truly get what the Scripture is trying to convey, and try to hide it in my heart. But honestly, I’m tired. I’m writing this at 12:40am and the exhaustion hasn’t quite set in yet….but that’s the first time in about 7 months. Normally I’m zonked out by 10 and get up several times at night to feed the little one. Then I still have a whole day of entertaining, cooking, editing, organizing and still feel like I didn’t accomplish everything at the end of the day. BUT, if I can move beyond all that busyness and satisfy my husband, and know that he looks on me with loving and tender eyes and finds me a good wife, is willing to work so hard for us, then I’ll believe I’m doing alright.
Time will tell. I’m learning and re-learning all the time. And I’m finding the joy in where God has me right now and what He has chosen for me as a woman, a mother, a wife and a daughter. I am so lucky to have such amazing examples surrounding me. Not only in the female but the male as well. My dad and Naph’s dad are such great examples of men who cherish and love their wives and families and work harder than dogs to provide for them. Because they love them, because they value them and because they respect them.
Oh heavens. I could go on and on and on. This post has webbed into many different topics all of a sudden and I could wind up writing a novel. So instead I’ll leave you (hopefully) with a video of my sweet laughing for the first time and hope that it brings a little “gafaw” to your lives.