(8/1/11)

It’s 8:40am on my day off. I wish I was still sleeping, my little one, but you won’t let me. I am starting to feel you more and more. Not like you’re kicking me or huge and invasive or anything, but I can tell that there is something new to my body, that it doesn’t lean the same way when I’m sleeping. I have to prop up my belly with a pillow at night because it starts aching. I think that’s all you kiddo.

I would be more frustrated that I am not sleeping right now if you also didn’t let me have a good BM (I know that’s a lot of information for you, but darling, I hear that’s part of this whole pregnancy thing and right now it’s my reality.)

We have our first appointment tomorrow! I get to meet you for real for the first time. I get to hear your heart beat, see you move even if you are just a little Kumquat right now. I am exciting, waiting in anticipation for your confirmation of existence.

Sometimes, baby, I think “maybe I”m just making this all up. Maybe you don’t really exist and my body has something wrong with it and that’s why I’m feeling this way; not because there is a life changing human inside me.”

It causes me to despair a little bit. I really want you. I know you are two years early by our books, but you know what? If something happened, if Jesus decided you were a better resident up there than down here, I think we would try real hard to fill up our home with your brothers and sisters. We wouldnt’ go back to our original time frame. Because God is using this time to show us that we are totally, completely out of control. We didn’t do anything special to get you, we didn’t even know. But He did, He is knitting you together inside my little belly (ok it’s not little but kiddo, don’t you judge me or your grounded for another 7 months) and making you our future. He has a plan for your life already, knows what you are going to do, who you are going to be, the impact you will have for His kingdom, and we are just along for the ride. How crazy is that Baby?

So tomorrow, I’m going to find out your real. I’m going to find out that your growing, and moving, and wiggling, and blinking, and bending, and working hard at becoming our little miracle kid. Thank you for taking time though my darling. Because, it’s a little secret, but I’m scared out of my mind.

I don’t let on too much right now, because I’ve been waiting for tomorrow to really let myself freak out a bit. But you are going to make me less selfish, more aware of the world, more mature, more sacrificial than I’ve ever been and that is kind of scary because I though I still had time to work on all that. I thought I still had time for me, for figuring my stuff out and being a better mom to you later on in life. And I know that sounds ridiculous “having my stuff figured out,”  because I know that will never be. I know that parents are growing too, in different ways than you are right now, but growing and it’s an always thing. They are never 100% sure.

Baby, I can tell you what I am sure of though. I’m sure your Daddy is going to be so melted when he meets you tomorrow. I’m sure that he is going to take even better care of me just to make sure we’re both ok. And he’s already been so patient and loving and caring that I don’t even know what that will look like but, oh Baby, I can’t wait for you to meet him. He’s going to give people a run for their money. If people come to visit thinking their going to get a chance to hold you, well I think your Daddy might just not let them. Your Daddy has a good heart, he loves our Jesus, he will be patient with you, diligent to be there for you, consistent in the way he disciplines you and steadfast in the way he shows you that you are his whole world. It makes me cry to think that this man I married, who’s been all mine, helped me make you and now gets to be your parent, your adult.

To be honest, sometimes I think that I’ll only get you when you’re crying or feeding. Your Daddy will just want to hold you every other second. Haha. But I love that idea. I love the thought of him not being able to put you down, to look at you and know you’re special, or unique, your a miracle and we have the privilege of helping you grow up. WOW!

Well Baby. I need to go. I think it’s time to get up. You’re Abuela and Tio and Tia are visiting right now and they leave today so I should get ready for the day, make some breakfast and live a little (so that this day goes by quickly and we can get to that appointment tomorrow!)

I love you Little One.

-Your Momma